Closer walk with God through this blog

To me, the most important point of experiencing an outpouring of the Holy Spirit is to develop a personal relationship with God. I don't know how many others feel the same way but for many years, even whilst faithfully attending church every week, I felt 'distant' from God. God was someone I went to when I needed to ask for His help. That was a bout it. I knew He was God. That He created Man, that He created me, that I should be grateful for that and I should be respectful and worship Him. I loved God. I chose to be a Catholic. But I didn't know that it was He who had chosen me.

Sunday Mass worshipping God was a separate event from the rest of my days and the rest of my life. I was a Catholic on Sundays and the rest of the week, I don't know what I was. I didn't think I was doing anything particularly wrong. I was just like any other human being (or so I thought), happy or upset, just living life as life came to me. God was a religion to me back then. If I chose to do something I knew intrinsically would be against my faith or the teachings of the Bible, I'd find a reason to back up my actions. I made pathetic excuses all the time. Did I have a relationship with God? No, I don't think I had that until I repented and started seeing Him with new eyes.

Now, everything is different. I am in constant awe of God. He is awesome. He is amazing. I've mentioned this in several posts before; I went for my Life in the Spirit Seminar not expecting anything. I didn't even know squat about what I had signed up for. I only went because my daughter, Tessa had prodded me into attending it. Then she prodded her dad to accompany me (that was no mean feat, trust me!). So I definitely wasn't looking for any 'gifts' as an outcome of my attendance. I had had a heart to heart talk and face to face confession with our priest (what we say, a GOOD confession) and he had asked me what gifts I would like to receive from LISS. My mind was a blank. I wasn't expecting any gifts. So I said whatever God wanted to give to me. I felt that I didn't deserve anything unless God thought I did.

At the beginning of the course, I wasn't at all comfortable with Tongues. I felt very uncomfortable in fact and I recall telling myself that Tongues wasn't to me, necessary for me to develop a personal relationship with God. That was in the beginning. Then the weeks passed and by the end of the course, I was yearning already to receive the Gift of Tongues. Praise God that I did receive it (I think I've written about that experience before in an earlier post so I won't go into that now). But I look back and think that even if I had not received the Gift of Tongues, I had already changed. I was no longer the same person.

God was now totally awesome to me. I wanted very much to and I yearned to yield towards Him. I enjoyed talking to Him. I enjoyed hearing what He had to say. Mass now took on a whole new meaning. The Consecrated Host WAS truly now to me, the Body of Christ. I am moved, everytime I take communion. For years and years before, I had known it was important but I didn't feel connected to it. Now, I can feel my heart stir and my eyes tear. I am joyous to be able to receive the Body of Christ.

But definitely, having received the Gift of Tongues has been awesomely edifying for me and I am grateful to God for the Gift. I am also extremely grateful to be able to hear His messages and be able to pass on messages for Him.

What of the fruit of my transition? How do I test the fruit of my gifts? The fruit of my experience? How do I know that this is all from God? I know because  I want to help others know Jesus. I use this blog to try to touch the lives of people who may or may not randomly or accidentally find me on the web. Just as other online writings have touched me, I hope to touch others too. My blog is not famous at all. I take years to get the number of hits which famous bloggers get in a single day! I am a nobody who started my company Cartoon Lagoon because of a personal dream I had as a teenager in junior college. Hardly anyone reads my blog as I do nothing to promote it. I don't buy keywords from Google. I removed all Ads (so I earn nothing). I don't purposely create awareness of my blog. My small stream of readers are probably my friends, customers of my hand painted shoes and people who randomly stumble upon it. Now that I've stopped accepting orders for our hand painted shoes, ratings might drop even further. I don't know but I had a feeling God needed me to stop at that point. He has something else in store for me.

But hey, this blog doesn't have to be big or popular, as long as it manages to touch the hearts of one single individual, enough to make a change in that person's life. As long as it manages to make someone rethink their walk with Jesus, it is enough for me. I would be honoured to continue being used by the Holy Spirit to touch others in any small way I can. I am not a holy person. I am still very human. I flounder. I fall. So some people may see me in real life, with words I use or actions I do and judge me as not being worthy to 'witness' to them about God. (God uses the weak and sinners most -- read the story of Saul (then being renamed Paul) who was to do great things for the purpose of Christ after being touched by God whilst being an unbeliever). Here's the thing. I am trying. Last night, someone from our Charismatic group told me that 'try' was not good enough because she needed a commitment from me but I told her that in my vocabulary, 'try' is already very good. I didn't bring this up to criticise my sister-in-Christ because in the context of what we were talking about, I totally understand that she needed a commitment but I could not commit. I brought this up just because I wanted to explain what 'try' meant to me. If you try, at least your Spirit is willing. If you pray with a willing and teachable heart and spirit, then God willing, He will make that 'try' happen for you.

In the most amazing manner, since my experience, I have had the opportunity to lead brothers and sister in Christ, in praise and worship. That is incredible, considering I couldn't even lead a prayer aloud prior. I have had the opportunity to tell complete strangers that Jesus loves them because of promptings by God. I have had the opportunity to witness to friends and relatives about how incredible it can be for them to develop a closer relationship with God.

In 2011, although I could not commit to attending our Charismatic Prayer Group sessions regularly, I was trying my best to develop a deeper relationship with God. It helps to attend a prayer group regularly because it's uplifting and it helps remind you of your purpose. But if you can't get near a prayer group or if you think the prayer group for whatever reason isn't working out for you, then you just need to find ways to incorporate more of God into your life. You'll want to ask yourself, what would Jesus want you to do in such or such a situation? What would Jesus want you to say? I know, it begins to sound a tad too heavy going, asking a non-tangible person questions and worse still, asking a non-tangible person questions AND perhaps not being able to hear this non-tangible person's replies. But Jesus is not just a person. He is the Son of Man. In the Trinity, we have God, we have Jesus and we have the Holy Spirit. Have the confidence that their existence will enable us to move along, in the right direction but only if we seek to do so. Also, I have to add, when you being to move with the guidance of the Holy Spirit, you will find it not as heavy going as you had expected it to be.

I really cannot put into words, how I feel at this moment. So uplifted. So loved by God. So thankful. So grateful. I tell you, I feel so blessed and happy despite many things going wrong with my life. I can only be feeling this way because of Jesus. It is surreal. I feel as though it is not my body that carries the weight of my burdens. It is Jesus. Like He is scooping me up in the palms of His hands and moving me. I have been enpowered by the Holy Spirit to be bold enough to share this with people and I no longer care if humans think me crazy. Truly, the only thing that really matters is moving in the direction of the Way, the Truth and the Life!

Happy walking with God!