Gone too soon

Just at the end of our 9 day Novena, we lost someone from Mike's side of the family. In the prime of her life but snuffed out tragically too soon over. Never did we think that the theme from our Novena, 'Is God Dead?', would hit so close to home.

I am not the parent of that young life taken so suddenly but I am a parent and I share their pain. It rips deep in the recesses of my heart because I know that it's a fine line to walk when trying to be a good parent. We try to do all we can and be all we can for the kid but sometimes, it's just not enough. What else could a parent have done to stop her from taking her own life? What else?

I am not the parent and though I share their pain, I am not the one going through this tragedy so I am not questioning my faith. I still love God and I still believe in the goodness of God. But I know that if the tragedy had been mine, my faith might not pass the test. Do not misunderstand me. I don't doubt God. But what I am saying is whoever is in the shoes of those parents who have lost their child too early and too tragically, might just as easily start to doubt his or her faith and start questioning all that God has promised. So, would you?

I admit wholeheartedly, I don't know how I would react. Would I be forgiving? Would I accept the outcome gracefully? Would I be resigned to the fact that God has bigger plans for us? Would I think the departed is in a better place? Would I be able to go to church without being angry? Or would I be crying bitterly and asking God why He has forsaken me?

Before you yell at me and tell me that I shouldn't even be thinking this way because it shows my lack of faith, let me first tell you that talk is easy. How sure are you that you would still be standing tall with your heart and soul in awe of God, while the world around you crumbles to a million pieces? When you lose everyone you love or everything you posses?

Right now, I still cannot be sure. I cannot because I love my husband and children too much to be sure. I cannot bear to lose them. I would rather die than be left alone without them. I am weak and selfish. I should be saying I love God MORE than my husband and children. But as I've reiterated many times, I am only human. God can promise the future. God IS certainty. But I cannot be certain.

Right here, right now, I can only take one day at a time, loving and praising God as I go along because what I am sure of at this point in life is I want to be able to overcome this weakness and one day be able to say that indeed, God is above all, including my loved ones. Right now, I will continue to build His throne. I will continue.