Coming of Age

My daughter turns 21 this week.
It got me thinking.

I turned 21 many, many moons ago but I wonder if I only just recently, came of age.

Suddenly, the world doesn't seem so daunting any more because I simply could care less what the world thinks of me. I left 21 a long time ago but I am finally free.

I've worked too long at being a people pleaser. It's not that I've been docile or submissive. It's not that I set out to purposely please people. It's not that I need to please people. I think people just mistook my deference or my lack of assertiveness as a sign to walk all over me. I find this extremely ironic. On the one hand, ask anyone who knows me. They know me as being vocal and not one to keep quiet under any circumstances. On the other hand, people seem to want to tell me what to do because I let them.

How do I come across to people? I do not care any more. Because the one thing I have learnt is that you cannot always change people's perception of you, no matter what you do. So why bother? The only one who counts is God. Yet, for many of us, God is the person we are least concerned about. I am included. I want to be able to say I am a God pleaser but if I want to be truthful, I am not hardworking enough. I can say I am trying but my heart (and God knows) that I am not trying hard enough. So in this aspect, I need to keep trying to please God.

Humans. Ah, humans. I say I am done pleasing the human race but how do I please God and not please humans?  Honour thy Father and thy Mother. Love they enemy. In any circumstances? Apparently. When you do what he asks, you please Him. If I want to please Him, I need to do as He asks.

See my dilemma? We are to love our enemies, even if that means being walked all over by them.
How am I to handle it? How do you straddle being humble yet true to yourself? I do not know the answer to this. Who has? My mind is thinking of some great people in history who gave of themselves to serve others. Their lives were full and prayerful. Their lives were full of prayers but they too had ghosts which haunted them while they were still alive. How difficult their lives must have been! How great their convictions to love and serve must have been! Do I really want the world to see me as being 100% happy and purposeful? Nah. That's not being honest. Why would I want that? It's like wanting to see me 100% of the time well made up.

I cannot do it.
I do not know how to love and serve others 100%.
I know this isn't going to make God happy but I no longer wish to waste my breath and time around people who are a pain. It is no longer how I desire to spend the rest of my life.

So to my dear fellow humans:
All I know is I am done being a floor mat.
I will no longer correct you if you think I am not a smart as you, not as witty as you, not as clever as you.
I will no longer correct you if you misjudge me or if you think I am making terrible life choices.
I will let you think what you will because I am done pleasing you.
I will strive instead to be happy.
To walk with the joy of God in my stride.
To be positive.
To walk away from negative people.
To smell. To feel. To touch. To enjoy. To bask. To pleasure. To be pleasured. To love. To be loved.
To leave the judging of ME to God and God alone.

Come rain! Come wind! Come sunshine! Come Holy Spirit!
Fall afresh on me!

(Footnote:
I shouldn't praise hubs too much but it took me a long time to grow, learn and know this about myself whereas my better half already knew this about himself a long time ago! Well, better late than never!)